I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
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Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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