When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
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Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
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Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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