Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So here I am, sexting at work.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize