so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
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Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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