i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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