Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
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Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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