Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize