My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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