So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
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Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize