Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
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you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
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I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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