I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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