Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize