Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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