I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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