His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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