I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize