if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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