I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
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He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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