i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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