So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
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I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
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Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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