Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
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the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
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You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize