What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
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laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
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I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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