I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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