He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
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Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
where are my pants?
in the oven.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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