I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
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We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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