After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
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You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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