It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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