He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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