I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
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I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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