Umm I'm too high to move.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
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The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
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I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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