I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
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We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
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Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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