the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
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We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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