I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
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You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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