This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
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Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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