well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
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Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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