At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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