I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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