meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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