Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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