i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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