i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
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vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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