I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
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yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
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I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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