If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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