the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize