So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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