good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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