She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
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deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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