Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
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Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
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We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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