look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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