Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
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Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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